I had xrays done, blood work and urine samples oh how fun. Turns out my stools on the right side are hugely backed up but all clear on the left side. So she wasn't sure but thinks I could have irritable bowel syndrome, oh lucky me. But we still have to see with ultra sound and ct scan. They shot me up with toridal and gave me a high dose of ativan and sent me home with a prescription for buscopan and we shall see how that all works out for now. So that's the story for now...
I hate having emotions. I am hurting and scared and angry more than I am my old bubbly happy social self. I hate this darkness and I want to stop feeling. I just want the world to go away, how do I make that happen? I am tired of the darkness and spontaneous tears. It takes all I have just to sit up in bed right now...
Everyone seems to find a reason for getting up everyday, how do you do that? I seem to have lost my way. Phil told me today apparently most of his family dislikes me or hates me now partially because of that video I uploaded online. I wish I could apologize but I'm not sorry. I am so tired of feeling like no one understands what I go through and even with the video still it got turned around, this is why I hate life. I hate everything. I wish to cease to exist. Obviously I am unworthy in life and in love. *tears* I guess I deserve afterall to be yelled at and called down so here I am world kick me till I am dead...
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